[This is written for my daughter Trinity and my mother Katrina – instead of a narrative, it is a musical act]
[I swear this is takes some inspiration from a song “Ya, got trouble” from the Musical “The Music Man” and bears no relationship to the Simpsons episode involving a Monorail.]
Scene: Admiral Hawke leaves the Admiralty and storms up the hill towards the Greenwich observatory with Lieutenants on either side. The buttons on his shoulders shine in the sun. His pudgy face runs with sweat from climbing the hill.
Scene: The door of the Observatory slams open. Inside the room we see a silver line marked on the floor on one side of the letters A.M. on the other side of the letters P.M.
Admiral Hawke: What the hell are we paying you fancy astronomers for?
Astronomer Bradley: [Smiles and looks up from his work, and adjusts his wig. ]
Pray tell me, what bothers you Admiral?
Admiral Hawke: [Piggy brown eyes fix on the astronomer.]
Two ships! Two ships sunk in the spice Islands. Two ships that sunk that could’ve been saved if we’d had better navigation! That’s what we’re paying you boys for isn’t it?
Astronomer Bradley: [Stands tall, picks up his walking cane and twiddles his wig from side to side on his head.]
Tell me Admiral, do you know the Meridian waltz?
Admiral Hawke: what the devil are you talking about, man?
Astronomer Bradley: [Moves to stand directly on the silver line.]
It goes like this…. Anti-Meridian!
Astronomer Bradley : [Sweeps his left foot over the silver line to land on the left side]
…Post Meridian!
Astronomer Bradley: [Sweeps his right foot over the silver line to land on the right side]
And, close together, step.
Let’s do it again!
Anti Meridian, post Meridian, close together, step!
Admiral Hawke: But, we’re to talk about the ships!
Astronomer Bradley: anti Meridian, post Meridian, close together, step!
[The feet of the two lieutenants start tapping in time.]
Astronomer Bradley: Anti Meridian, post Meridian, close together, step!
Admiral Hawke: [Self-righteous] Good God man, do you want to keep your job or not?
Astronomer Bradley: [Pauses, and straightens himself]
So you’re here to talk about the ships in the Spice Islands?
Admiral Hawke: [Frustrated] Yes, yes, the navigation…
Astronomer Bradley [sweeps his hand towards the view out the window]: Do you see those ships docked down at the Admiralty?
Admiral Hawke: [Glows] Yes – glorious aren’t they…
Astronomer Bradley: [Softly] Do you remember when you were a ship’s boy on one of those ships, learning navigation from the captain?
Admiral Hawke: [Dreamy] Wonderful days they were.
Astronomer Bradley: And what did you do to navigate back then?
Admiral Hawke: [Remembering – staring off into the distance] Well we got the sextant and measured the height of the sun – then we did the trigonometry to work out where we were using logarithms.
Astronomer Bradley: [Excited] That’s it Admiral! You’ve got it!
Admiral Hawke: [Confused] Got what?
Astronomer Bradley: [Confident] Logarithms!
Admiral Hawke: [Confused] What?
Astronomer Bradley: [pumping his fists in a circular motion like a locomotive]
Sing it with me! Logarithms! Logarithms! Logarithms!
[The two Lieutenants start pumping their fists in in a circular motion. ]
Admiral Hawke: [puzzled] But they were never accurate enough…
Astronomer Bradley: [Confident. Answering the Admiral] Then with more decimal places, we’ll make them accurate!
Lieutenants: [Singing background – pumping their arms] Logarithms! Logarithms! Logarithms!
Admiral Hawke: [Doubtful] But you’d need a great book for that. The size of an encyclopaedia.
Astronomer Bradley: [Confident – Answering the Admiral ] Then that’s what we’ll do!
Lieutenants: [Singing background – pumping their arms] Logarithms! Logarithms!
Lieutenants: [Form a line and march, goose-stepping around the room. ]
[Singing each word drawn out – stepping up pitch on each word] Logarithms! Logarithms!
Astronomer Bradley: [Singing the call] What’s it called?
Lieutenants: [Put the hands in the air and flutter their wrists]
[Singing response] Logarithms!
Astronomer Bradley: [Singing call] One more time!
Lieutenants: [Singing response – up a note] Logarithms!
Admiral Hawke: [puzzled] But who will we get to calculate these vast books of logarithms?
[The two Lieutenants freeze in mid-step, one knee still in the air. Their eyes boggle. ]
Admiral Hawke: [Thinking] It would be hours and months of work.
[The two Lieutenants, still frozen mid-step, slowly shake their heads.]
[Astronomer Bradley looks down, sighs and pouts. ]
Admiral Hawke: [excited] I know! We’ll use women! Vast armies of women!
[The astronomer closes one eye and rolls the other upward. ]
Admiral Hawke: [Inspired ]We need a fancy Latin name for then. We’ll call them a com-putare!
